My Fiance Doesn't Believe in Marriage... Should I Marry Him?

Love, Dating, and Relationship Advice with Jazmin Moral

Posted on Monday, 14/07/2014
By:Kesta Love

Love, Dating, and Relationship Advice with Jazmin Moral

I've been dating a guy for 3 years and since we met he always told me he didn't believe in marriage. At first I thought he was just being a "rebel", but then I realized he was serious and that to him it’s the same as letting the government “tell him what to do”. Before we moved in together, I made it clear to him that marriage and having a wedding is something I've always dreamed of and that I didn't want to take that step if he didn’t want to marry me.  He told me that he didn't want to lose me and that he would do anything to make me happy, so we moved in together and plan to get married in the future. My fear is that the wedding will not be special to him and more of an “obligation” and that I'm forcing him to do it. Now I’m the one that is unsure about marrying him. Am I over thinking this and asking too much of him?

La indecisa

Dear Indecisa:

It would be helpful to take a step back from focusing on labels, and on the wedding day as the destination.  Words like “wedding” or “marriage” clearly hold very different meanings to each of you.  It seems that he is focused on the government/legal aspect of it all, and you are more focused on the romantic fairy tale side of things.  The important thing to be talking about is the life you are building together.  It’s unclear to me if you’ve had a conversation with him about whether he is sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with you (married or not!), or whether he wants to have kids with you (if that’s what you envision doing one day after you are married).  Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up on the significance of this one ‘dream’ day and lose sight of the big picture.  It’s understandable that you want him to be excited on your wedding day, but if he’s actually very excited about spending the rest of his life with you and building a life together -even if not looking forward to the formalities of the day- then that’s what really matters.  You can work with that, and even figure out ways of including people, music or traditions to make the actual day feel meaningful for him.

However, if his lack of excitement about the actual ceremony extends to all aspects of taking this next step together, then I think you are right to hesitate.  If deep down you are not so sure about how much he wants to be with you, and your gut is telling you that something is off, then you should stop and get more information. You said that he doesn’t want to “lose” you, but what does that mean exactly? Is it about not wanting to be alone, or is it about really wanting to share a life with you? What actually matters most is if you feel like his priority, and to know you can trust him to be there for you unconditionally when you need love and support.  If you have all those things in your relationship then go ahead and say “I do”. 

Kesta Love Column

Jazmin Moral www.jazminmoral.com is a licensed clinical social worker practicing in Rockville. This column is meant for entertainment only and should not be considered a substitute for professional counseling. If you have a love, dating, or relationship question, send it to us via our confidential online form at www.kestadc.com/love

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